Spring 2024 Fight Against Domestic Violence Scholarship Winner

Kuljit Sahota

Kuljit Sahota is a graduate student at National University studying to obtain her master’s degree in psychology. Passionate about helping those affected by domestic violence in the United States, Kuljit is looking to elevate the voices of those suffering from abuse by obtaining a degree where she will be able to affect those suffering from such injustices positively.

Read Kuljit’s Essay:

Why is she staying with him? She is so naïve. What a crazy liar, he is so nice to everyone. These are the kinds of remarks many people in the United States (and worldwide) tend to make when someone is experiencing domestic violence. The onus of responsibility falls on the victim, as if one enters a romantic relationship willingly and knowingly signing up for torture versus love and intimacy. The victim is gaslit and isolated not just by their abuser but society as a whole, in part because people do not want to accept the reality that practically no one, including themselves, is immune to abuse. Any person that is receptive to and seeks love and romance is at risk of abuse, as another person’s actions are not within their control. Statistically speaking, in the United States, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner in their lives; these numbers would only further increase, if emotional and mental abuse (which also constitute domestic abuse) were included.

In the United States today, domestic violence affects people in severe and irreversible ways on a wide scale. Victims of domestic violence have an increased risk of suicide and chronic illnesses; they have fewer opportunities for employment or advancement in their respective field(s) due to absenteeism. In terms of family dynamics, children who witness domestic abuse are similarly at increased risk of suicide and chronic illnesses; their academic performance is below average and as adults, they either perpetrate abuse themselves or end up in abusive relationships, exacerbating the “cycle of abuse.” Domestic abuse is often rooted in intergenerational trauma, as patterns of behavior become deeply ingrained stories over time. In fact, in various cultures, the American standard of “domestic abuse” is deemed a ‘normal’ part of relationships and life.

In order to reduce the number of people afflicted by domestic abuse, education is key. Institutions such as hospitals are typically the first point of contact with those enduring domestic abuse, as victims seek medical treatment for injuries or mental health support. It is thus crucial that all healthcare workers are well-versed in the signs of domestic abuse, taking a certified training on domestic abuse; an integrated, multidisciplinary approach to care is also obligatory. Hospital staff should be able to refer clients to appropriate agencies and coordinate their care with social workers, law enforcement, shelter agencies, and so forth, as needed, as health is holistic.

Moreover, rather than questioning why victims stay, more consideration should be drawn to why abusers abuse. Addressing why victims stay, while part of the equation, is only the tip of the iceberg; addressing why abusers abuse digs deeper into the root cause to minimize domestic abuse more permanently. Although it is commonly reported that abusers abuse due to anger management issues, this perpetuates myths that abuse is out of one’s control and therefore excusable on some level. The reality is, most abusers abuse deliberately, as evidenced by the fact they do not exhibit these “anger issues” in public. It is highly controlled behavior, rooted in a host of reasons such as low self-esteem, perceived inferiority, cultural views, and learned behaviors. Schools should educate children from a young age about the importance of mental health; boys especially should be encouraged to take care of themselves and understand their feelings, as men usually perpetrate domestic violence against women. It is no coincidence that there is a higher rate of domestic violence among males who lives with males than males living with females. Men are raised to exert ‘power’ and ‘control’ over others, and while their individual upbringings cannot fully be controlled, schools should, in their purported purpose, educate boys (and children in general) about the healthiness of expressing one’s emotions.

Understandably, many people do not have a model of what a healthy relationship looks like, which also leads to the normalization and continuation of abuse. While children receive sex education in many states, romantic or dating education is not a part of the curriculum and should be required. Adults should also be mandated to take a comprehensive course in college about domestic abuse so that they can recognize it in their circumstances or others.’ Media, in the form of romantic novels and films, conditions women especially to interpret signs of abuse as love. Extreme jealousy, possessiveness, and unpredictability are portrayed as extreme passion. Grand gestures of romance early on are also depicted as intense feelings rather than potential love-bombing and manipulation. Not to mention, it is uncommon that a relationship starts out explicitly abusive; tension and confusion builds gradually, interspersed with ‘acts of kindness’; it is insidious and slowly creeps on the victim. This understanding can propel people to empathize with rather than blame the victim.

Aside from working towards shifting these cultural narratives, it is vital that people are aware of the resources available to support them, besides 9-1-1, which most people perceive as a very last resort even in dangerous situations. Awareness of resources available, such as the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, a confidential support line available twenty-four hours a day, can mitigate victims’ isolation and improve the probability of a safe exit from an abusive relationship.

In retrospect, as Bell Hooks once aptly stated, “Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.” It is far deeper than approval or the manufactured fantasy of romance that is a set-up for disappointment or in worst cases, unspeakable horrors. It is also far broader than romantic love, which is solely one expression of love. It is from a place of love for humanity that I write this paper. The truth is, domestic abuse numbers are underreported. While the advent of the Me Too movement and increasing publicity have allowed room for conversation, there is still ample room for progress. Personally, I intend to use my voice to call out these injustices and elevate the voices of victims and survivors whom deserve to feel whole and empowered.